Broken Soul
by perichan
Summary: when howard discovers one of vince's darkest secrets he opens the door to a whole room of secrets that vince has kept from him, but how will they both cope? Howince, rated T for now
1. Chapter 1

Vince rubbed at his swollen red eyes with the back of his hand and took a deep, wavering breath, hiccupping at the end of it. He looked down at his naked thighs and watched as the crimson blood flowed freely from the open wounds, pooling in the empty bath, slowly making its way to the plug hole like a river of stagnant water. That's what he saw, stagnant, old, filthy blood pouring from his body. He was hideous, no one would ever love him, not how he was. He needed to better himself, louder clothes, a wider smile. He was sure that Howard noticed him frowning the other day. He was lost in his own hollow mind thinking empty thoughts, a solemn look on his face when Howard had asked him what was wrong. Thinking rather fast, a miracle in itself for Vince, he'd come up with a story about panda's and chocolate mousse. Howard seemed to buy it anyway, and that's all that mattered. If Howard knew about half the things that go through his mind, let alone what he did to himself, what others had done to him, he didn't even want to imagine Howard's reaction. Sympathy? Anger? Indifference? He could deal with these, but what if he hated him for it, for being weak, for being pathetic and a waste of flesh? That's what would break Vince's heart the most; Howard's disgust.

Vince turned the shower on and quietly continued to cry to himself as the hot water burned at his cuts, old and new, scars turning purple. His legs were a battle scene, making it impossible to wear anything but tight trousers if he wanted them to go unnoticed. He'd even taken the blade to his wrist that night. He had no intention of killing himself, not then anyway, he just needed more release than cutting his legs could give him. When he was clean and the blood had stopped flowing down his legs he dried the wounds with some toilet roll so he could flush the evidence and got himself wrapped in a towel, shivering slightly. He walked up to the mirror and wiped the steam from its surface. The man looking back at him was far from the Vince everyone was used to seeing. His eyes were dark and sallow, his cheek bones were more defined than usual, his hair, though just washed, had lost its life and his eyes were no longer the joyful pools of crystal blue light that seemed to brighten a room, now they were dull, lifeless, unfamiliar. This was the true Vince, a tormented, lost soul in a wide world where all that mattered was how popular you are and how up to date with fashion you were. He couldn't leave the house without spending at least 3 hours doing himself up. He knew he'd have no one left if he didn't try and please them. Well, maybe one person. There was someone who didn't care what he looked like in the morning, didn't care about the days when Vince's hair didn't do what he wanted it to do and refused to leave the house. Vince had one true friend in the whole world, but even Howard hadn't seen the true him and it killed him a little more everyday to keep such a secret from him. But he was a disgusting person and if Howard ever did find out who Vince truly was he'd have no one left at all. As his grip on reality loosened so did his grip on the towel that circled him and it silently fell to the floor. He couldn't see the wounds on his legs, he couldn't see anything as he lost himself in his mind. Almost as a reaction to his being naked in the bathroom his hand went for the razor that was already wet with his blood and he once again began to slice at his thighs with the blade, unaware that he was doing it, caught in a daze between asleep and awake. A warmth crept down Vince's cheeks and as his eyes slowly focused on the mirror in front of him he noticed he'd started crying again. He was loosing all control.

Howard was fully aware that the young man he shared a flat, and his life with took half the day to have a shower, and somewhere in the back of his mind in a forgotten place he found this one of the man's cutest aspects, but enough was enough and Vince really had to learn some self control. So deciding to finally do something about the ridiculous amount of time he was banned from using his own toilet he rose from the sofa and walked over to the bathroom door. He opened his mouth but he couldn't find the words he wanted to say. He wanted to get angry with him, tell him enough was enough, to stop being such a selfish twat, but they'd barely argued recently and as odd as it was it was nice not to be nagging at him all the time. They laughed more and played more and Howard had never felt so close to his secret love in all the time he'd known him. Besides what if he was naked in there? Again that forgotten place echoed at the back of his mind to open the door immediately and finally tell Vince how he really felt. His hand moved to the door handle. But what would he say, why would be burst in knowing full well Vince was using the shower. His hand lowered from the handle and he just stared at it, watching the light from the keyhole dance across his cloud print shirt. One little peek? An odd sort of thought, but it couldn't hurt.

Howard lowered his head and brought a beady eye to the keyhole, looking in expecting to see a figure of wonder but being met with a violent vision of horror and suffering. He went to call out the smaller man's name, but his voice caught in his throat . He lunged himself at the door and threw it open, his face contorted in a range of emotions as he realised the scene he'd witnessed wasn't a dream.

The bathroom door shot open and although it flew back with a bang it took Vince a couple of seconds before he realised he was being watched and that's all Howard needed. He grabbed for the towel that had dropped to the floor and frantically tried to cover his body. Usually he cut just his legs, an easy place to hide from friends, but he'd snapped that night, he felt so hollow it didn't matter what he did to himself, how much he bled, if he died. He'd cut and cut and cut until there was nowhere left to cut, and so he'd cried and punched himself causing bruises to form under the cuts almost immediately giving him a black eye and a possible broken nose, his knuckles bleeding from the force of connecting with his body.

It wasn't that Howard had seen him, in many ways he'd always wanted Howard to find out so he could be saved from this emptiness, but the look on Howard's face was enough to make him want to slit his throat on the spot. His face was fearful, frightened, confused, pained, angry, but most of all guilty. This had nothing to do with Howard, but the guilt was written all over his face and Vince could do nothing but pull a strained face as he fought back what tears he had left. What had he done? Out of all the scenario's he'd gone through in his mind Howard had never looked guilty. Neither had his heart ever looked so broken as when he flew in through the bathroom door and saw his best friend covered in his own blood. And that's all he is to Howard, a friend, and as much as he cherished that friendship above everything else in his life, the thing made him sink deeper into this darkness is knowing that that's all he'd ever be, a friend.

The tears he'd thought he'd finished shedding fell gracefully down his cheeks and onto his blood stained body. He began to tremble all over and his knee's gave way beneath him, his body falling helplessly to the floor, an arm stretched out in front of him slightly. As his palm connected with the wooden floor he let out a noise somewhere between a scream and moan and began sobbing uncontrollably, the fresh cuts on his body crying out in pain as they hit the floor. The world was slipping away from him, the light of the bathroom faded and total darkness engulfed him. He was no longer on the floor of his bathroom but floating silently through space, seeing nothing, feeling nothing, bleeding endlessly into the stars until there was nothing left but his pain and sorrow. He felt as though this feeling would last forever.

But amongst the emptiness and the cold a warm light began to glow and a whisper penetrated the ever lasting quiet. A name, a familiar voice, an old feeling. This warmth got closer, the sound growing louder. The silence and darkness of the space around him began to fade and he noticed the heavy but gentle feeling of a hand on his cheek, an arm round his back. He hurt all over but in that moment the pain was nothing compared to the joy he felt at such a simple touch. He leaned in to the caressing hand and the voice turned into a scream.

"Vince!" Howard had run at the fragile figure of his flat mate as he fell to the floor, his body vibrating with fear, pain, and a level of emotions Howard couldn't begin to dream of. He pulled the young man close to him and placed a rough hand on his cheek, screaming at the broken soul to wake up, hoping he did, but fearing the worst. As he looked down he saw that he was already covered in the young prince's blood, kneeling in a pool of the crimson sin. His lip began to tremble as he looked back at Vince's face, his vision blurred by the torrent of tears that now streamed down his face. He stroked some raven hair out of his blood stained friends face and rested his hand on his cheek, weeping quietly into his hair, kissing his forehead and whispering over and over, "I'm so sorry."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **I realised I didn't put an A/N or a warning in the first chapter and I do apologise but I was rushed into uploading it, this time its not been so manic. I also realise its been forever since I posted chapter 1 but I got mega writers block half way through this chapter and so it just sort of sat there, but here it is for all those concerned, please r + r and let me know what you think, constructive criticism appreciated.

**WARNING:** graphic scenes of blood, swearing, and much angst though it will be a little cheerier than chapter 1.

A hand rose shakily and managed a weak squeeze on Howard's leg. He stopped whispering immediately and looked down into the now open eyes of Vince Noir, the man he loved. _Tell him!_ The voice in the back of his mind screamed at him. Fresh tears began to pour down his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry Vince, I should have been here for you, I should have known. I…" He trailed off as he began to rock the fragile man gently back and forth.

Vince didn't smile, he didn't have it in him. His mouth opened and a wispy breath escaped his lips but no words. He had so much to say to Howard, tell him its not his fault, tell him how much he loved him and how much he means to him. Tell him everything. But his brain wouldn't let him, what if Howard thought him disgusting after he realised Vince's true feelings? What if he told him he deserved it, that he wished he'd done the job properly and just killed himself rather than getting blood over his corduroy trousers? What if he was completely rejected by the only man he'd ever loved? He couldn't stand the thought. So he just closed his mouth and squeezed Howard's knee again.

Howard brought his hand up the young man's face and stroked his hair. "I'm going to call an ambulance, I won't be long, I just need to get the phone. I'll be right back." his hand moved away from Vince's face and he was about to rest him on the floor when Vince's hand tightened on his knee and his other hand clasped at his shirt. A panicked look crossed his face and he gingerly shook his head.

"Don't leave, please. I don't want an ambulance, they'll hospitalise me again, I'll get sectioned and they'll-" His voice caught in his throat as he began to panic. Flash backs of a horrific past swamped his mind. White coated figures with needles, wires, hard floors, pain. White walls, white floor, nothing was real but it all hurt. His body began to tremble all over again as he began to hyperventilate. He was loosing touch on reality again, everything was going dark once more, only Howard's face shone through and that's all he needed. His face was so determined but so gentle. That's what he loved about Howard, no matter how often he yelled at Vince for being an idiot he always had something soft and forgiving in his face, he knew that Howard was never that serious, that he could never really hate Vince for anything. That's what he loved. Love. His eyes closed.

"I love you. So much. And it kills me knowing that you don't think that way about me. I know I'm a twat and self obsessed and I don't deserve to be loved but I can't… I can't stand spending another night in the same room as you without being able to throw myself at you and just sit in your arms. I-" His breath caught in his throat. Everything he'd kept bottled up for so long had just come spilling out. He hadn't meant to say those things to Howard, he was never supposed to hear that confession. He gazed up at Howard's face and seemed to freeze as he waited with bated breath for the awkward silence to stop, dreading but also hopeful of Howard's response.

Had he heard Vince right? Where had all this come from? Did he mean it? Was it just the blood loss talking? Surely he didn't mean it. Vince wasn't capable of love, not unless it involved clothes or a new hair care product. But, as he looked down at the younger man held loosely in his grip he realised that he'd always known about the mans feelings, about his own feelings. And in that moment, strangely, everything made sense, everything connected and he knew that these feelings had been there a long time, just under the surface. And whilst he had chosen to ignore them, Vince had let it eat away at him until it became necessary for him to do _this to himself. With this came another, unpleasant realisation. Over the years, whilst Vince had been his happy self, keeping those tender emotions just below the surface but in such a way that they should have been obvious, Howard had just pushed the man further and further away. Every gentle touch he'd received, every innocent comment that made him feel better, every day he'd spent with Vince he'd put him down. He'd realised his feelings subconsciously and instead of embracing them and attempting to get them noticed like Vince had done, he'd bottled them up and chosen to take it out on Vince, ignored every advance, every kind word. All the times Vince must have felt like shit and gone to Howard for just a little reassurance and Howard had just pushed him aside. Like this morning, Vince had been staring blankly out the window, a slight grimace on his face, thoughts Howard had been unaware of shooting through his mind at high speed, something that never happened with Vince. When confronted he'd brushed over it and put on his happy grin. In fact he'd tried to engage Howard in a game, cluedo or something, and when that failed, watching TV and when Howard once again rejected his plea he'd suggested just sitting in silence, just the two of them. But still Howard had pushed him away for reason's he didn't even remember anymore. That's when Vince announced that he needed a shower anyway and proceeded to shut himself in the bathroom, up until a moment ago at least. What had he done to the fragile man before him? He began to shake is head slowly from side to side, staring intently at the younger mans face, taking in all of the pain, all of the sorrow that had been there for so long, wanting to take it all into himself so that Vince didn't have to feel that way anymore. Gently he pulled the man closer to his chest and onto his lap, blood still slowly seeping from some of the mans wounds and onto his clothes. He put a hand behind Vince's head and wrapped his arms more tightly around the broken body so that Vince's head came to rest on his shoulder and his entire body was curled up on Howard's lap like a mother with her child. His eyes closed and tears began to fall on the naked mans skin. _

"_I'm so sorry Vince, I had no idea you- that this was- I-" the words escaped him and he pulled Vince's head away from his shoulder. Fresh tears were streaming down the mans face and he realised the last words he'd said were about loving Howard and so far he'd said nothing consoling in return. But the words wouldn't leave his mouth and he just sat flapping his jaw open and shut for a few moments before making a decision very unlike Howard Moon._

_Tears streamed down his cheeks as he slowly began to force the idea that Howard didn't love him into the front of his mind. He'd just looked at him, confused and full of guilt, motionless as stone. He should have just kept his mouth shut. He should have just locked the bathroom door. Suddenly through his hazy eyes he saw the blur of Howard's face moving towards his and silently their lips connected. Howard's warm lips just barely touched the surface of his skin but a fire broke out across his whole body and he wanted nothing more than to fall helplessly into that kiss and never leave. But Howard pulled back, eyes scanning Vince's for answers to his newly discovered feelings. _

"_I love you." Vince's heart leapt in his chest as the words left Howard's lips, washing over him like the first rays of summer. _

"_I love you so damned much. I don't know what to do without you, you're the yin to my yang, the sugar in my tea, the sun in my sky. The idea of losing you is-" he was finding it very hard to finish any of his sentences at the moment, just looking at the broken body of the world's number one happy guy stopped the words from forming. He couldn't stand it, the pain he'd caused, the suffering the younger man had gone through silently, playing the sunshine kid whilst all the while dying slightly inside. _

_Vince felt his body being pulled close to Howard's once again and he let his eyes close. He buried his head deep in the gruff mans shoulder and breathed in Howard's scent, wrapping his arms around his waist as tight as he could without his new cuts crying out in pain. This is what he'd been waiting for so long, that embrace, that feeling. He'd been empty and depressed for so long he'd almost forgotten what these arms had felt like, but all at once those feelings returned, the good memories that he'd all but forgotten, the feel of Howard's arm, his smell, his voice, everything that had kept them together over the years was suddenly back and their bond was stronger than ever. _

"_Never leave me Howard, no matter how bad things get." tears began to roll down the young mans cheeks and seep into Howard already blood soaked shirt._

"_If I had my way little man, we'd be stuck like this forever and I'd never let you go."_

_I know, I know, the ending rubbish but I've been stuck what to write for ages now and in fear for my life I wrote all I could think of and posted, sorry. I think I'm gonna stick to one shots from now on, I can do those, anything longer and I lose interest lol coming from the girl who wants to make a living out of writing, bravo!_


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